A Conversation With My Dad

My first Father's Day without my Dad is almost over.
Even though I have been dreading it, it was even harder than I expected it would be.

I could not let it end without writing this.

I miss my Dad. If he were still here, or if he is in some way listening from somewhere, here is what I would say to him:

Dad, I miss you.
Cooper is getting so big. Everyone says he looks just like me. Do you think so?
What is your favourite flavour of ice cream? I can't remember and it makes me so sad.
I have a hard time talking about you to anyone. Even/especially mom.
I want to know that you are okay. I wish there was some way that you could tell me that you are.
We are going home in a week and I am happy and scared at the same time. All of my summer Nova Scotia memories include you.
Mom feels your presence at the house. I hope I will too.
Jacob remembers you and knows you from the pictures we have of you and him together. I don't want him to forget.
He is growing up so fast. You guys would have had so much fun together this summer. So much fun.
Are you proud of me?
When I go for walks or am by the water, I always think of you.
I miss the sound of your laugh, your corny jokes and your made-up words.
Cooper is just about walking and can say yes, more and loves to give Jacob hugs and kisses.
I pretend all the time that you are not really gone.
When we think about starting a new project around the house, the first person I think of calling is you.
Randy wants to repair a hole in the drywall while I am away. Should I hide his tools?
I wish had taken more pictures of you and with you.
I don't believe in heaven or God really, but I hope so much that you somehow are watching over Mom.
Can you see my boys and how perfect they are? How sweet and funny and perfect?
I'll never forget our walks, the way you treated me like a little girl even in my 30s and the way you 'sang' your sentences.
You were a GREAT dad and wonderful grandfather.
I miss you Dad. I miss you every single day and I hate that you are gone.

happy father's day

Girlfriends

This post is for my girlfriends from Nova Scotia.

My friends through thick and thin {and I am not just talking about my waistline}.
My friends even though I make it home only once a year.
My friends that make me laugh until I cry.
My friends that know all of my old secrets.
My friends that still know how to party like it's 1999.

My friends that were there for me during the worst part of my life.

I am sorry.

Sorry for distancing myself from you all when you were so good to me. The only way I can explan it is this:
I have not been able to deal with losing my Dad. I can't talk about it yet. So talking to my friends that knew him and that know me so well has been scary for me. It makes it seem more real and I worried that your kindness and sympathy would break my control over my emotions.

It is slowly getting a little easier and I miss you girls so much (even if it is just a quick chat on facebook) so I hope you understand and forgive me.

I am now open for business (let's just avoid one topic for now if you don't mind).

Love,
Your Least Conservative Friend xoxo

My Dad's Birthday

Today is a tough one for me. It is supposed to be my dad's birthday. He would be 65.

I have been trying to think of the best way to mark this day. Dad's favourite drink was Coke. He drank it all day every day. I have not been able to touch it. I thought I could drink a toast to him today but I am not ready. Strange, I know, but I can't go near it without feeling sick.

It has been really hard to think of anything to do in his honour because I actually don't believe he is gone. I wonder if that feeling ever goes away? I am also finding it impossible to talk about him with anyone, even my family, because it makes it real and I can't control my emotions yet.

We did come up with a way to think of him today that I can handle though.

My Dad loved the zoo. He went to the Toronto Zoo with my son and husband on his last visit here so my mom, brother and sister and I decided we would remember him today by adopting a gorilla in his name. I think he would like that.

happy birthday Dad xoxo

Happy Valentine's Day R

So, I can be a real bitch to live with sometimes. Especially when I am pregnant or tired, which has basically been the past three and a half years. My husband has to deal with my tears, my crankiness, my complaining about how loudly he eats, breathes, moves. Well, you get the idea. What a lucky, lucky man, huh?

I figure I owe him one and since I smashed my tailbone, and am currently on the 'injured list' it's not going to be in the bedroom. So he gets this instead. A letter from me. Just for the record, I am not writing it to get this or this for Valentine's Day. I am doing it because I love him. Honestly. I am. Well, maybe, if he wanted to, and was looking for ideas, he could get me this. But only if he wanted to. Not because of this sweet letter I am about to write.

Dear R,

You just came into our room, where I am hiding from the world and put socks on my feet because I said I was cold. Thank you. I just want you, and everyone else, to know that I love you. I have often told you that you make all of my dreams come true and you have, from moving to Europe to the biggest, happiest dreams of all, our sweet sweet little boys. This is a thank you just for you. To remind you when I am cranky, ungrateful, moody or sad that I always love you and I always will.

Thank you for asking me to move in with you after only knowing me for 4 months, so that I would not have to move home to Nova Scotia.

Thank you for letting me drag on shopping trips all over the world to find 'just the right' top/dress/shoes/magnet/painting/souvenir...whatever.

Thank you for being the best and most fun dad any child could ask for.
Thank you for listening to my parents tell you that I came with a 'no returns policy' and dating me anyway.
Thank you for being the type of person that I can leave with my friend's husband that you had never met, and be cool about it.
Thank you for loving and accepting me for who I am.
Thank you for thinking and saying I am beautiful, even (especially) on days when I look awful.
Thank you for being the best travel partner I could have asked for.
Thank you for not caring about decorating our home but still listening to all of my many ideas and letting me do whatever I want.
Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you for taking out the garbage, moving the lawn and all of the other 'guy' stuff you do every week. (In our house cleaning toilets counts as guy stuff).
Thank you for supporting my need to stay home with our boys. I know it is such a challenge for you.
Thank you for letting me drag you to Nova Scotia every summer to spend time with my (now our) family and friends.
Thank you for making me laugh.
Thank you for being so completely involved in our sons' lives and being such a hands-on dad.
Thank you for working so hard to support our family. I know you would stay home with our boys if you could.
Thank you for planning our honeymoon and keeping it a surprise until we were getting ready to check in our bags.


There aren't words to thank you for being there for me during the past few months, which have been the hardest of my life. You have been there for me in ways I didn't know I would need.

I love you, my husband and my best friend.
Happy Valentines Day
xoxo

We Do Not Remember Days, We Remember Moments

The past decade has been a crazy one for me. Each year holds some special memories that stand out from the rest.

2000

I went to visit a friend in Stockholm, Sweden for a 10 day holiday and decided on a whim to move there. This was one of the best decisions of my life. A beautiful place that holds so many happy and hilarious memories! This is the school where I taught:

2001
This was not my favourite year. I came back to Canada because of a guy (dumb dumb dumb) and moved to Peterborough (dumber dumber dumber) and learned that I was not cut out for small town life anymore. I taught at a Catholic School even though I am so not religious. Sorry, no pics for this one!

2002

This is the year I met Randy at an outdoor Great Big Sea concert in February. He asked me to move to Europe with him that night. I said yes. Holy crap, we look so young here. I think he may still have this shirt.

2003

 Randy and I made the move to London, England. We had no place to live. I had been hired for my teaching position over the phone and Randy had no job. We had no television for months. We travelled all over Europe to places I had always dreamt of. We got to know our local and went out for curry once a week. The shopping, oh, the shopping. Pimms. We made friends that we will have for life. Loved every minute! Drunk in every photo, I think.

2004

More travelling: Octoberfest in Munich, Prague before Christmas, Venice and more. Randy took me to stay in a castle in Scotland on my birthday. He asked me to marry him in the courtyard of the Louvre. I said yes. We got drunk on champagne and called all of our friends and family.

2005

Back to reality. We decided it was time to grow up and move home to Ontario. We bought a house, started new jobs and planned a wedding. I got to spend time with my BFFs and meet some of the greatest friends a girl could ask for.

2006

Randy and I got married in in Nova Scotia and celebrated with our friends and family at White Point Beach Resort. The most fun wedding ever (if I do say so myself). I also ran my first race, the 8k Night Crawler, in Toronto.

 

2007

The birth of my sweet baby boy, Jacob, was the greatest moment of my life. I had no idea you could love someone so so much.

2008

This was the year I got to watch my son do everything. I could not be more proud watching him learn and grow. We spent his first birthday in Nova Scotia. Jacob took one handful of his cake and decided it would just be easier to stick his face right in and take a bite. Right some cute (as they say back home).

2009

The birth of my second sweet boy, Cooper ties for greatest moment of my life. It's amazing how, when you think you already love as much as you can, your heart opens up and makes room for more.

What are your favourite moments of the past decade?

Thank You Mom

Lately I find myself thinking of all of the things I wish I had said to Dad. I said it all in my goodbye to him after he was gone and I like to think he heard me and I hope more than anything that he already knew.

I guess what I discovered is that you think you have all of the time in the world to show people how much they mean to you, but now I know that is not true. So I decided to write a thank you letter to my mother and tell her how special she is. I sent it via snail mail but I've included it here:

Dear Mom,

I never realized until I had my own children how difficult (and wonderful) being a mother is. I just wanted to say thank you.

Thank you for sharing your love of the ocean. There is no better place to be then at the beach. I owe that feeling to you.
Thank you for introducing me to the word of books. One of my favourite things to do is escape into a great read.
Thank you for decorating my room with Strawberry Shortcake. I loved it!
Thank you for laughing at my mistakes instead of judging them (Moooom, I did something really bad).
Thank you for the Easter treasure hunts. I can’t wait to try that with Cooper and Jacob.
Thank you for painting the mural in Jacob’s room with me. I am sure I would not have had the guts to do it alone.
Thank you for your love of music. Randy still thinks I’m crazy when I crank my tunes, but I know where I got that from.
Thank you for baking the Christmas cookies we decorated every year.
Thank you for loving me even when I was obnoxious (which I know I was a lot).
Thank you for raising me to believe that I could do and be whatever I wanted, with the confidence to try new things and to go new places.
Thank you for being there when I needed you with advice, a recipe or a great teaching idea.
Thank you for being such a great example. It is because of you that I tried to be a loving, creative and fun teacher.
Thank you for the long drives by the ocean and the stops for ice cream.
Thank you for the thoughtful gifts you have bought me. You have great taste.
Thank you for letting me come into your classroom and work with your students and trusting me to go into your friends’ classrooms too. It made me feel I could do that one day.
Thank you for the sacrifices you made as a parent, working full time.
Thank you for being my Euchre partner.
Thank you for baking Come and Get ‘Em Cookies.
Thank you for how much you love my boys. I can’t tell you how much I love the relationship you have with Jacob and will have with Cooper.
Thank you for making me peanut butter sandwiches with a heart in the middle when I was sick.
Thank you for being there whenever I call with a question, no matter how trivial. Like “How do I boil an egg?”
Thank you for helping me with school projects, even when they were last minute.
Thank you for all our family Christmas traditions. I love sharing them with my family.
Thank you for the times we spent with Grammy and Big Em. I always loved those visits.
Thank you for having a sense of humour and loving to laugh.
Thank you for countless trips to the beach for lounging, walking, reading, chips and, if we are brave, dips in the water.
Thank you for the birthday cake making tips.
Thank you for time spent playing Shanghai and building puzzles.
Thank you for introducing me to jigzone. What a great way to waste time.
Thank you for coming to visit Randy and I in London. We loved having you both there.
Thank you for giving me advice on being a kinder person. I am working on it.
Thank you for being here for the birth of both of my boys. Having you here kept me calmer and less afraid (believe it or not).
Thank you for all of the great Kiss of Death Tour memories.
Thank you for introducing me to Coronation Street.
Thank you for all that you did for my wedding. You made it so special when you said your speech.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for a million things, for everything. I don’t know what I would do without you. There are so many more things, small things, big things.

I have to say it again, Mom. Thank you with all my heart, and I want to tell you that I love you so very, very much and that I am so proud to tell people that you are my mother. I hope that I can do a great job being a mom just like you are and have been to me.

Love, Sarah Jane


I wanted to post this because I am hoping that this will spark/inspire one of you to write a letter to someone you love...a parent, child, husband, wife, friend, brother, sister, grandparent. Some of you know the heartache of losing someone you love: the missing, the wishing, the tears, so I think this will make more sense to you, but for those of you lucky enough to still have everyone you hold close in your heart please think of doing this too...it can only lead to good. I found myself laughing and crying at the memories that came flooding back.

When I was debating whether to send the letter to my mother now, or to wait, my great Twitter friends encouraged me to send it now. One friend (thanks Consuelo @cbernardi)sent me this quote from Maya Angelou: 'I've learned people forget what you said and what you did but people never forget how you made them feel.' I am hoping this letter makes my mom feel cherished, appreciated and loved.

I'd love to know if you do choose to write a thank you.

My Dad

Nothing can prepare you for that early morning phone call telling you that someone you love is gone forever.

My older brother had the unbearable task of calling me at 5:40 in the morning 4 weeks ago to tell me that our father was gone. I did not know it was possible to feel so much pain. I was inconsolable. What kept running through my mind, and still does, was that he died 9 days before I was heading home to Nova Scotia to see him. 9 days. 9 days. 9 days.

My husband, who has been so amazing and supportive, had us all on a plane and home that night. We said goodbye to my dad two days later. I had a panic attack for the first time in my life that morning. How was I going to be strong for my mom? In the end I wasn't. It was such a shock to see my dad that I didn't handle it well.

My dad was out for a walk, doing what he loved. He didn't suffer. He lived for 17 years after quadruple bipass surgery. He walked me down the isle at my wedding. He met my two boys. All of these things should make me feel luckier than some, including my husband who lost his dad 8 years ago. But it doesn't. All I feel is heartbroken, cheated, angry and lost.

Most of all I feel denial.

It is so much easier to pretend that he is not gone and to imagine he is just out and will be back again soon. I wonder when it will sink in that he is really gone forever? I spend every moment on the verge of tears thinking of the what ifs and wishing it wasn't true. I didn't know that grief could be so physically painful. I took a pregnancy test today because I was worried the nausea was morning sickness. Thankfully I am not pregnant. That would have been too much to bear right now.

My children now have no grandfather. It aches so much to write that. I had so many images in my head of all of things Grampy would teach my boys.

There are so many things I will miss about him: the stories he told over and over and over until I could say them word for word, the silly jokes, the words that Dad made up like wrastle instead of wrestle, the way he said P O P instead of pop, watching him play with my son (his little buddy), going for walks together down Green Bay road, trips to the beach, playing Euchre and 'going blind', the Kiss of Death Tour (long story) we took every summer, going to the store to get me a treat even though I am 35 years old, his laugh.

I worry about my mom so much and wish I could take some of her pain away. I know as awful as I am feeling right now, it is so much harder for her.

I wonder if I will ever be the same, if our family will ever be as happy as we were.

I just want to also say thank you to each of you that have reached out with your kind words and support. It really does help to know that others care.

Mommy In The House

I am a stay at home mom.

That sentence can be interpreted so many ways. It can invoke happiness, envy, loneliness, gratitude and embarrassment. I waffle between a few of those depending on the day so here are my top 5 reasons I love and struggle staying at home with my little guys.

Top 5 Reasons I Love Being a SAHM

1. I love my boys more than I thought I could love anyone and I am genuinely excited that I get to watch each and every new discovery and achievement they make.

2. I am there for my little guys if they get hurt, are sick or need a cuddle.

3. I can stay in my pink cupcake pjs all day and no one gives a care.

4. I get to explore the idea of following the dream of painting art for children as my new career. If this baby ever gets into a routine I'm going to get right on that.

5. I think that I would be awful at trying to balance work with family. My husband works long hours so it would be up to me to do pick ups, drop offs and all that good stuff. I would resent him for that I think.

Top 5 Reasons I Struggle

1. Our family made a financial sacrifice for me to stay home. This can cause some major blowouts between my husband and I. He plans 5 years in advance and likes to pay off the credit card every month. I like to plan my next outfit and would shop all day, every day. We miss out on travelling and other luxuries we were used to.

2. It can be so very lonely staying at home. I worked at a great school with the most fun people I have ever met. I miss them and I miss the social interaction. Thank God I have friends that stay home too, that make me laugh and that have kids that my little boy loves.

3. I have felt a loss of identity having given up my career. I walked away from the best job I have ever had at the greatest school. I remember taking my son to a farm and seeing a teacher with her class and I wanted to say: I used to do that. I am a teacher too. But the truth is, I'm not a teacher anymore. That makes me sad.

4. I don't really get to leave the house on my own. I often think that if I worked, I could run errands with my hands free of strollers, diaper bags and sippy cups.

5. I could dress up more. I love clothes and although lululemon makes me very happy, I miss wearing pretty clothes.

Even though there are times that staying home is tough for me, I have absolutely no regrets. My boys are so much fun and growing up so fast that sometimes I wish life had a pause button. If my boys ever read this (oh look hubby, I'm planning for the future)I would want them to know that they are the greatest thing that life could ever ever give me. That doesn't mean that I don't have the occasional pity party with my good friend Ruffles but, hey, who doesn't.

Okay, phew, first blog post done. And yes, I am wearing the same pink pjs I have worn all day. These ones have polka dots though.